Thursday, June 25, 2015
As I pack the house, I find myself crying for no apparent reason. Well, to some it might be for no apparent reason, for me it's the fact that in 4 1/2 days I will be leaving all 4 of my children. Yes, three of them I have nurtured since they were tadpole size; the other has been born in my heart the day that she left on a school trip with my middle son and then started dating my oldest son a year later.
It might be said that I am having empty nesting syndrome, but that would be only part of the truth. I believe that yes, I will miss my children, yet, I know that they are going off and doing the things that they are supposed to be doing. Devin and Aliza are creating a home, a life and a marriage that would be an envy to many. They are doing things right. I feel confident that they are doing what they are meant to be doing: loving and living with each other as best friends. Kyler is on his way to being so successful and I am not shocked by it. He has been a born leader since he started first grade. People love him. His humor is contagious. His personality endearing. He is an amazing man with so many wonderful ideas. Mckenna Marie has the whole world in front of her and if she grabs onto her dreams she will soar. I have no doubt about that. Will they struggle in life? Indubitably, everyone does. Will the two youngest have heartbreak? Absolutely, it's part of learning who we are most compatible with. I don't envy them these experiences. Those are the things you look back on and go, "whew, I made it through my 20's and all the craziness that those growing years entail."
I do envy them their opportunities, and this is maybe where I am having the most struggle leaving them...
It's not about them (or me leaving) it's about me losing my identity, my heart and my soul. I have been a mom and wife for so long that I (like I have said in a previous post) I don't know who SANDI is.
What are my strengths? What path am I supposed to be on now? Like my kids my opportunities are limitless~ to a point. Age limits it more than it is limited for them. Me not having a degree limits it even more. What I had planned on doing in life will be gone when I walk away from that choice of being a stay at home mom. What I wanted to do for a side career is not in reach. I will not be living the life of a book editor, a writer, a school teacher or even a child psychologist. Some of these things I've been able to do just being a mom. What a blessing that has been, but other dreams have been swept to the wayside. Am I brave enough to make them reality? I am not even sure I know what those dreams are anymore. So, what do I do now???
These are things that I get to figure out. How do I do this? Reading self help books aren't my thing. Researching on the computer might be helpful. Writing my thoughts out might be even more helpful. To me writing has always been easy, well at least writing about my thoughts and memories. I am not sure that I could make money doing anything with my writing. It might just be a talent. My English professor a few years back said I could, but I don't believe her. Maybe I am too hard on myself?
It's been a year since I truly wrote anything that has touched my soul. I have lost touch with my inner writer.
So, what else do I want to do? My husband says that I should do research on starting a business. One that we can do as a family with a few of my middle child's entrepreneurial ideas while he is finishing college. I mean I do have all the time in the world... But, will this truly fulfill me? I don't know.
What to do, what to do???
Identity displacement stinks...