Sunday, March 11, 2007

Be true to yourself

Because of Mckenna's challenge, I started thinking about body image and who we are on the inside. (I think that it is interesting that Jill would be writing the same thing a day later, but of course, I have not posted this yet.)

I tend to feel that we all focus so much on the outside that we forget that everyone is entitled to have an innerself that doesn't have to reflect what our outsideself says about us.

For instance, I get this Oprah quote sent to me everyday and (again interestingly enough) in the focus for March it is; remaining true to yourself and capturing our authentic self. Do you think that I am suppose to be thinking about this very subject? My favorite quote so far is this: "True self is the part of us that does not change when circumstances do." -- Mason Cooley. Most of this I attribute to changing who you are when being with different friends.

I have very much been a chameleon throughout my life when it comes to different situations and I have not really found out who I really am because I take too much stock in of other's perceptions of me; I am very young looking(which is a blessing and a curse,) I am very short, which adds to the age deception and I really have a fun time with my family so I act younger also- ( i am a very Yellow Personality to the extent of coming off as a teenager sometimes.- a whole nother subject,) but because of this who I am expected to be and who I really am are totally different, which sometimes makes for a very uncomfortable me!

Now, I am probably the heaviest of all my friends (who are all stick figuares, and at least 7 years younger,) and I have never truly felt like I am really worthy enough to be a friend of theirs, which is very ridiculous. But a few days ago I had this "ahha moment" I know that I don't have to be their same body type to have them as my friends- (I had lost 25 pounds and now I have gained back 10 and so I am feeling really bummed out about myself.)

But honestly, Heavenly Father doesn't really care about our outsides as much as how we are growing spiritually, how we treat others, how we are as mothers, wives and daughters, and so I really appreciate the facts as they are. What am I doing with my self on the road to eternity, am I treating other's as I would like to be treated? Am I growing and learning through situations that I have been faced with- is my relationship with my Eternal Father kosher? That is what matters, not that I am 30 pounds heavier than my friends. Yes, I know this to be true- but will I really buy into it when they are around? Only I can determine the outcome of that question.

But, even though Heavenly Father doesn't really care about our outsides (or should I say- our hangups,) I still care about what I look like on the outside to the extent that I am not happy with how much I weigh, since it is not a healthy weight. I mean, I don't want to be a stick, just healthy. I thrive on the exercise that I do at the gym- it is a good feeling to have worked you body hard- it clears my mind, it makes me ready for the day and when I was doing it regularly, I really felt good about myself. I may never be that size 3 again, but I will feel good about my size 7 if I know that I am taking care of myself.

Maybe this is why I worry about the challenge that Mckenna's studio was given. I don't want her to ever feel as though she is not "good enough" in her own eyes. I mean don't get me wrong, I know that we all feel that way at times in life, but I don't want it to become an obsession as it did with friends in High School, as it did with me for a time and it just creates more problems than solves them.