Monday, February 02, 2009

Passing of a Dear Brother

Yesterday, My big brother Michael Passed Away, from an overdose of his medication.

All my pretween to early twenties, I had had a fear of this very scenario of him dying, to the extent that I had nightmares about it with the Season's In The Sun song playing in my head in the background. I can't listen to that song, ever, without having those terrible feelings the dreams brought up, causing Tears to stream down my face. And today, I feel like listening just to honor why the song makes me cry... because the song talks about having joy, fun, and seasons in the sun, and saying goodbye. As a little girl I never wanted to say goodbye to Mike, he was fun, he was loving and he called me his little Bimm.

One time, I remember, he had this Parakeet we called "Keep," maybe I called it that,I don't know; I just remember that was what it was called. Mike would teach it how to fly outside and come back, and it would until one day after a few weeks, it went outside and didn't come back. I remember we were so sad about that. A neighbor found a bird in the trees that looked just like Keep, but we never got the bird back for one reason or another, they didn't believe that the bird was ours.

Being the little sister, of two brothers, the boys always pulled me into their teasing. or trying to get back at each other. One famous lore is that Gene (my oldest brother,) was sleeping on the couch, and Mike was mad at him; so he decided to get back at Gene by talking me into sitting on the arm of the couch facing Gene's head, and me putting my feet on Gene's head, my hands in his hair and then telling me to push away with my feet and pull with my hands. I only vaguely remember this, but I have been told that Gene woke up and then started going after Mike. My Dad got involved after all the yelling, and Mike tried to blame it one me. Of course my dad being smart to all this, tells off the "real" responsible person of the torture- MIKE! Things like this made Michael so endearing to me.

He was Charismatic- he could get anyone to do anything for him, and he could do anything, and always get away with it the first time, and then totally not learn from what he did, and do it again; taking it to the next level, and get totally busted on it and cause himself problems with all kinds of Authorities.

He was handsome- I loved when he would come to visit when I was in my midteens and my friends that didn't know him would ask if he was my boyfriend. He was, as they would say today- HOT!!! I always thought that David Benoit that played for the Utah Jazz was a black version of Mikey's looks! Weird I know, but true in my mind!

He was smart! Have you ever seen the movie Catch Me If You Can with Leonardo DiCaprio, and Tom Hanks? (if not watch it it is based on a true story,) He was that smart! He could con a con and you would still believe that he was the real thing, like Frank in that movie. I believe, that he had made other choices, he could have been a millionaire, cuz he had a head for great things, and he would have lead people to be great also!

But, I will also say that other things made me sad, mad, and just completely non-understandable about what he did with his life.

He could be so mean and vindictive to my dad and mom, when he was having major problems, and the drugs and alcohol didn't help.That was when I did not know who he was, even though in these times, I was usually the one that could calm him down and get him to stop yelling, and would totally feel bad for the choices he was making, because I loved him so much!

I am a very empathetic person, I try to understand how people are feeling and why they react to things the way they do. So, I always took Mike at his word (as my friends and family would agree- I am a sponge and believe anything.) but don't get me wrong stories that he told 85% of the time I knew just couldn't be true, but always wished they had been! For instance- when he was in the Navy, did he really do secret special stuff? I doubt it, but I secretly wished and wanted to believe that he really was involved in some of the secret, "I could tell you but I'd have to kill you," type of stuff. He was stunning in his Navy Uniform and could stop a crowd.

My sisters didn't know him very well, and that is sad because he loved them so much. All the times that he came to visit, he would spend loving on them. There is proof of that in pictures (and when I can find the scanner plug I will post them.) He thought that they were beautiful, and very accomplished in music and since he didn't feel he was this really impressed him!

So I have to say he was loving also!

But I would say that his greatest accomplishments in life where not things but people- 2 to be direct. He fathered two beautiful blond girls, who unfortunately for me and the rest of my family, we haven't gotten to know. His oldest, Tawnya, as a little girl looked just like him. His baby, Alexis, whom is my Kyler's age has the family humorist in her. They didn't know their dad, and those are choices that he made, but he was very proud of them. He would send pictures of them to me,and of his grandbabies, and tell me all about the first grandbaby Tiercyn! He loved that little girl, and the next two to follow.
I can honestly say that even though he had tons of struggles, he found joy in seeing his family, and talking to them (okay me-as I only know from my experience,) and finding out about what my kids were doing. Kenna was his little sunshine when he lived in Dixie, and we lived not too far away. He spoiled her rotten! The boys he always asked how baseball was going, if they had a girl friend, and teased them if they did (they were you know like 7 and 9,) and they thought he was tons of fun and cool cuz he lived near the Dixie football players!

I am glad that my brother is now peaceful, and that my Grandma Field is giving him the grand tour of Heaven, but I will also miss seeing his name pop-up on my Google talk and then seeing "hey sis- are you there?" I will miss talking to him on the phone once a month (until I moved,) and hearing him tell me how important it was for family to do stuff together, even though we never did. I will miss hearing the smile in his voice, I will miss the sadness in his voice too, when he was sad at times or frustrated with life, and I will definitely miss the fact that my brother is no longer here on this Earth with me, to just know he is around!

And to an extent I will miss the worry that I had for him since I was 8 years old, and felt bad that he didn't get the neat Christmas Presents, like Gene and I did, from our Biological Mother. I WILL JUST MISS HIM!!!!
Goodbye to you my trusted friend
We ve known each other since we Were nine or ten
Together we've climbed hills and trees
Learned of love and abc's
Skinned our hearts and Skinned our knees

Goodbye my friend it's hard to die
When all the birds are singing In the sky
Now that spring is in the air
Pretty girls are everywhere
Think of me and I ll be there

We had joy we had fun we had Seasons in the sun
But the hills that we climbed were Just seasons out of time

Goodbye papa please pray for me
I was the black sheep of the family
You tried to teach me right from wrong
Too much wine and too much song
Wonder how I got along

Goodbye papa it's hard to die
When all the birds are singing in the sky
Now that the spring is in the air
Little children everywhere
When you see them I'll be there

We had joy we had fun we had Seasons in the sun
But the wine and the songs like the Seasons have all gone

Goodbye michelle my little one
You gave me love and helped Me find the sun
And every time that I was down
You would always come around
And get my feet back on the ground

Goodbye michelle it's hard to die
When all the birds are singing in the sky
Now that the spring is in the air
With the flowers everywhere
I wish that we could both be there

We had joy we had fun we had Seasons in the sun
But the hills that we climbed were Just seasons out of time

We had joy we had fun we had Seasons in the sun
But the wine and the song like the Seasons have all gone