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Wednesday, August 07, 2013

Floundering


For twenty-three years I have been a mom and a wife. Now at 44 years old, I am a mom, a mother-in-law and a wife but what else am I?

I feel as if with the kids gone (and Kenna out and about), that I am paddling in circles not knowing what to do with myself.  Where did my personal goals in life that I had as a young adult go? I feel as if as the poster above states, "my heart and soul" has been ripped out with the knowledge of my role of motherhood coming to an end.

So, where are the rest of my dreams? Are they buried because they are not appropriate anymore or is it just because I have lost the desire to dredge them up and grab them by the paddle and row with all my might to grow them? I know that when I graduated I didn't want to go to college and I think that was because I had had such a hard time going through High School, I just couldn't wrap my brain around dealing with teachers for a while. It was just fine to put Matt through school, but I did know I wanted to go, eventually.

Now, I have time. Now, I am floundering. Call it depression of almost having an empty nest. Ultimately though, I think that the temporary high of being on vacation all summer has finally caught up to me and the realities are not as rosy as I thought they would be.

I don't want to work because without a degree I would have to work some sort of retail and I can't do that again. No degree = No mid-level job. What do I do without a degree at my age? I would love to be a copy editor at a paper or magazine. I would love to teach if it was a parent/teacher supported school or maybe do secretarial work but all of those require a degree.  I need to get back to school...

There is a saying that if you can't complete yourself, you have no right placing that job on someone else. How do I have a happy relationship with Matt  if I am constantly expecting him to make me feel as if I am "enough". What is it going to take to make ME realize the fact that I am "enough"? I have no idea. This is what I have been trying to figure out for the last few weeks.  Does anyone else feel like this besides me?

I guess I need to do some more soul searching.